I have had many highs in my career but today was a dream come true when I was asked to fill in for the vacationing Kelly.
As I arrived at the radio station in what was still total darkness, I took my chances leaving my car in a visitor spot saying good bye to my expensive rims and tires.
The place was deserted, no guards, no arrivals, period just me standing at the door being eaten alive by the mosquitos the size of kittens
while the boys dined upstairs on eggs benedict and bottomless bloody marys.
It hit me to text MR. Harmon the handsome producer, (so he tells me often) that I was there downstairs applying some deet
and 15 minutes later I was greeted with a full cavity search by Dave the intern. It was at my request so it was not as gentle and tender as the ones in the past.
Upstairs I was tossed into Kelly's spacious dressing room, where I tried on a number or her clothes and personal items.
I finally settled on a plush and sexy bathrobe that had the distinct scent of either cat food or bouillabaisse or maybe both.
Making my way past the smell of of the pizza oven's fresh made Anthony's cold fired pizza, I went into the studio to greet Paul and Ron who were delicately applying sunblock and mascara to each other. I didn't ask but apparently its a tradition there.
They ignored me for what seemed like hours and but then finally our eyes met and it was show biz magic time all over again.
We chatted about Leno and other news items and had a few laughs. In came Debbie Wassermann Schultz who was plugging her appearance at a middle school in Weston. How does she always beat me out for these gigs, she must have undercut my speaking fee by thousands.
The we moved into a fishing story that went on for about 4 hours or seemed that way. The point being a new millionaire lottery winner got duped out of one cobia fish.
When I finally came to there was lawyers, fishing buddies and the captain of the charter boat all on the line making no sense to me or anyone listening.
We laughed and could not catch our breaths at the twists and turns this crazy fish story took and the old adage applied once again "Always leave them wanting more"
Next up Helio the race driver calling from his cell phone while apparently going around a racetrack somewhere miles from a cell tower.
His call was dropped at least 400 times which always makes for a great interview.
As a favor to my brother the actor Scotty Baldwin on General Hospital, we checked in with him to hear about the week of celebration around the 50th anniversary of his show, hard to believe but he stuck me for dinner the night before and not right given the free press and valuable radio time I provided him.
I did not have one shameless plug for myself, nothing, I was there because I like the boys in a way an altar boy looks up to a priest and what else would I being doing at such an early time. SLEEPING per chance.
Just before 10 the show is over. The morning has raced by with such a flurry I could not believe my eyes when I looked at my rolex knockoff that had stopped working weeks ago.
The boys shoot out of the studio like old people on a cruise ship going to a free midnight buffett.
I guess it went well there were no lawsuits or angry radio execs waiting to complain.
I returned to my car outside which was now up on pavers from the front walk and 3 wheels missing.
Another lovely day in show business. It just don't get any better than this at least till the tow truck shows up.
Comedian and Radio Fill in specialist